Riverdo's and Riverdon'ts

Season 2: Episode 10: The Penis Points the Way

If there was ever a perfect example to point to regarding the difference between a STORY and SOME STUFF HAPPENS, this episode is it. Tons of stuff happens. Some of it is even good (a lot of it is not). And just about none of it has anything to do with... anything?

Gone is the Black Hood arc, and in its place we have like seventeen other plotlines making about one minute of forward progress apiece.

This episode feels like filler, and there's a thing with an FBI agent that's one of the dumbest things yet featured on the show.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 9: The Yule Lads

We come at last to the weird, semi-Christmas-themed mid-season finale of Riverdale Season 2, where the Black Hood story is... uh, abandoned? I hesitate to say "concluded," because that word has all sorts of positive connotations that don't apply here.

It's Christmas, some stuff happens, and apparently this arc of the story is over so we can make way for all the (I'm sure, you guys, I'm so sure) really engaging content that will span the next like 10 episodes.

God rest ye merry, writer's room
With plot threads flown astray
Remember how most stories go
Set up, then build, then pay
But fuck it, let's just leave this plot
To do some other day
And leave time for these thick rails of cocaine
Rails of cocaine
And leave time for these thick rails of cocaine

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 8: Tequila. Straight up. Hold the Worm.

Riverdale comes down from its haunted mescaline high and mostly delivers an episode of trashy television. However, please don't take that to mean that we're out of the woods, or anything like back to season 1.

Important. There is a moment in this episode where it seems the entire cast and crew did in fact drink tequila down to the worm and succumbs to madness, and I'm guessing anybody who's seen the episode knows what moment I'm talking about. It's like all the crazy and bad stuff from last episode was distilled and pounded down like a shot of liquid singularity.

God.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 7: Shoggoth Box

What the actual fuck.

We apologize, dear listeners, for ever saying previous content in Riverdale was crazy, over the top, banana pants, or otherwise weird. We were so innocent back then. This episode is a horrific Hell Train freighted to bursting with LSD that careens off a high cliff; all that can be heard over the screams of the phantom-wracked captives aboard are the maniacal war-cry of "Damn the worldbuilding, full speed ahead!" shrieked at throat-bursting pitch by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, given in fully to the Satanic desire to see his creation devour itself in a cataclysm of nightmare fire.

Happy (serendipitously) Halloween.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 6: If Wishes Were Hearses

We here at Riverdo's and Riverdon'ts really haven't yet gotten over the fact that there's a gang called the goddamn Ghoulies. And let me tell you, this episode doesn't help us with our problem.

The closest thing to relief we get is another absurd thing to fixate on, and that, my dear friends, is the SUGAR MAN. That's the intimidating name of a spooky drug dealer. And it's clear someone in the writer's room was 100% convinced they'd knocked it out of the park. And the cast have to talk about him without peeing their pants. And they all need Emmys for this.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 5: The Serpent Beat-Off

After last week's runaway dumpster train, we return comfortably to Riverdale. The dark subject matter, bizarre idiosyncrasies, and dissonant music cues are back with a vengeance as the Black Hood begins a messed-up series of mind games with Betty, and a friend of Veronica's (who is a big piece of shit) from out of town shows up and is just the worst and I hope he dies.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 4: Toilet Gun

I don't even know where to begin. It's like an enormous freight train wherein every car is filled with flaming dumpsters hopped the rails and plowed into the center of a catastrophic car crash. But like, in terms of decision making.

Seriously, nearly every character makes choices so incomprehensibly, blindingly stupid that the RDARD crew is left with the sick feeling that the center may not be able to hold.

But this Caligulaesque orgy of total idiocy, like the aforementioned traindumpstercar wreck, is impossible to wrest one's eyes from.

We have such sights to show you.

This is Riverdale.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 3: I got the Crap Kicked Outta me by a Horny Fishman

 

As the threat of the Black Hood continues to loom over Riverdale, we get a better look at the ins and outs of Southside High, and meet an instantly mega-cool girl and an instantly Munsteresque gang.

Meanwhile, the Lodge family... thing, keeps spinning its vague wheels within wheels, and we get our first glimpse of the Black Hood's motivations.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 2: Dilton Doily's Going to Jail

A killer is running rampant in the 'dales, and who better to handle the crisis with responsibility and competence than... Sheriff... Keller...

But don't worry, Archie has it all figured out. All he needs is some of that sweet, sweet Jingle-Jangle. In our discussion of Season 2: Episode 2, I think it's fair to say we come for the serial killer intrigue, and stay for the bizarre Kelis cover.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward
"Nincompoop (No Vocals) by Josh Woodward

Season 2: Episode 1: This Hiram FUCKS

After a shamefully long delay, the second season of Riverdo's and Riverdon'ts is underway!

Quinn and I are joined by illustrious podcaster and Archie-Goddamn-EXPERT Kat Kuhl (@kat_kuhl_). And you guys, this isn't a one-off guest spot. She's the legit third host from here on; hype cannons to full power, if you please.

We go on many, many tangents in our discussion of Chapter 14: A Kiss Before Dying, little knowing that no matter how digressive our nonsense got, we'd never be able to hold a candle to the fluff-stuffed nonsense of Riverdale season 2 itself.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.
Rob (@LordOfTheStith)
Quinn (@MonkipiQuinn)
Kat: (@kat_kuhl_)

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward