Riverdo's and Riverdon'ts

Episode 13: Cheryl Blossom is the Vegeta of Riverdale

It's here at last... the final episode of Season 1! This time around, we go in-depth with a full beat-by-beat breakdown of Chapter 13: The Sweet Hereafter, in which we answer some burning questions such as:

How do we still have a full episode left after the entire mystery is put to bed in 30 seconds?
What can we do to avoid the relationships becoming too stable for a teenage melodrama?
Who is the actual worst goddamn parent in Riverdale?

So yeah. Buckle up.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 12: Full of Sound and Fury, Signifying... Syrup.

Oh, shit, folks. It's like they realized there were only 2 episodes left in the show and suddenly needed to complete, you know, the story. The weird thing is that they completed it... too much? Character nonsense takes a back seat to break-neck, desperate wrapping up of season-long plotlines, to the extent that we're not entirely sure what's left for episode 13?

MAAAAAPLE SYYYYYRUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 11: Pardon my Rudeness, but Have you Done any Murdering Recently?

I mean, look... after last episode, this was going to feel like a great episode no matter how bad it was. Fortunately, it's not bad. We sort of do a lesser reflection of earlier episodes' mingling of parent and child plots, move the ball further down the field on the Jason Blossom murder, and get to watch Alice get fucking dunked on.

All in all, a fun if sort of wandery affair.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 10: This was a bad Idea. This Isn't What my son Would Like.

A runner-up title for this episode was "I Fucking Hate This Episode. This Episode is Garbo," and it wastes no time in showing us many reasons why.

The good news is, the show is almost certain to recover after this, because Riverdale is increasingly uninterested in exploring long term consequences of terrible decisions made by characters, instead magically making everything sort of more alright than it should be to start each episode.

Why are we doing this? Perhaps because it's too late to turn back? I'm not bitter. I'm just sad.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 9: What the Fuck Does That Have to do With Maple Syrup?

The weirdness scale is again reset in Episode 9, where pretty much the whole A-plot of the episode is nothing short of baffling; in terms of motivation, timing, theme, logistics, and basically all the other ways a story can make no sense.

There's a damned good B-plot, though. A lot of good stuff happens in the margins of this surreal fever dream.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 8: We're Never Gonna Make Sense of This, I Don't Think

After the nearly vertiginous up-tick in storytelling quality seen in episode 7, we keep things more or less solid in this workhorse of an episode. This doesn't stop the show from doing absoultely baffling things with Veronica's character to achieve... let's say, dubious ends.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 7: There Forever Will Be Angst, Amen.

Episodes 4-7 of Riverdale form a beautiful narrative arc of their own, in a metatextual sense. The Necessary Evil. The Surreal Palate Cleanser. The Return to Form. And now, The Really God Damned Good Episode.

"In a Lonely Place" is a shocking step up in structural discipline and focus and emotional resonance and we daresay the first time Riverdale's script and talent level assets have matched its technical merits. We're not gonna get crazy and assume the show is just this good, now, forever, but we're glad to sit back and enjoy a thoroughly good episode of television.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 6: Have They Tried Being Jazz?

Episode 6 marks a return to form for Riverdale, with talent shows, kissing, strangely incongruous Jughead narrations, and nightmarishly terrible parenting. With the reckoning that was Episode 4 and the fever dream of Episode 5 behind us, it kinda feels like we're watching actual Riverdale again. But don't worry, folks. It's still weird trash.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 5: S-N-A-K-E-B-O-X

In episode 5, HEART OF DARKNESS, Riverdale produces the narrative equivalent of a good, strong (if weird) mouthwash to get the lingering taste of poorly-handled sexual abuse plotlines out of the viewership's collective mouths.

We applaud the audacity of the huge, inexplicable tonal shift, and how effectively we're led to forget about the icky stuff that came before when now we're just watching a completely different show that we very much don't understand.

And I guess there are Batman villains in Riverdale now.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward

Episode 4: Hundred-Year-Old Pig Skeleton

Problem: Your show is proving quite popular, but there's this huge, gross elephant in the room; there's a statutory rape plot going on that just... isn't being handled well, and someone up the chain of command has decided that this plotline has to be forcefully concluded in the runtime of one episode.

Solution: *puts on clown shoes, mounts unicycle, and honk-honk's off into the distance*

This episode is a MESS. It certainly leaves the setting in better condition than it found it, but hoo boy did they throw caution to... whatever is PAST the wind.

Please bother us at #RDARD on the tweeter.

Music: "Faded War Instrumental Version" by Josh Woodward